The Bugle, ep. 170: Flying Delta

John Oliver relayed his experience with Delta in the beginning of The Bugle, ep. 170.

John: Well, Andy, I had one of the most horrendous travel days of my life last weekend.

Andy: Aaaahaaaaahhhh!

John: I was supposed to, I was supposed to fly from Tampa to Durham, North Carolina. A flight which should take about hour and a half there or there abouts. I turned up at the airport only to see that I was flying Delta. “Oh oh,” I thought to my self. “I hope, I make it my gig in nine hours time.” Little did i know, Andy, that my plane would be delayed for two hours, then three hours, then another hour, then cancelled meaning that I had to take two smaller flights, both of which were also delayed meaning that I got to my gig two hours late. And I wanna say thank you, Andy, to all the people in Durham who stayed so patiently and to Delta I’d… I’d simply say this: F*** you!

Andy [giggles]

John: Go f*** yourself! You f****ng f**ks! God! And I was having so many vile revenge fantasies during the delays, Andy.

Andy [bursts out laughing]

John: I basically spent a day thinking if I was in a room with the current head of Delta and the current head of Al Kaida and I had a gun with one bullet in it, I’d shoot the head of Al Kaida, I’m not a monster.

Andy and Chris [laugh]

John: But if I had two bullets, Andy, I’d definitely shoot the head of Delta first.

Andy [laughs]

Andy: Could you not line them up next to each other and…

John [laughs]: That wouldn’t have been enough. I also then thought I wanna build a time machine so I can go back in time and slap the Wright brothers across the face saying: This is your fault! You started this. You should’ve never made me feel it’s reasonable to get from Florida to North Carolina in less than a day. F*** you!

Andy [laughs]

John: I also think, Andy, that future flying Delta should be a common phrase in the English language meaning “doing your job terribly”.

Andy [bursts out laughing]

John: Ohh,I really flew Delta at work today, I got absolutely nothing done. I think I really flew Delta in that exam, there’s absolutely no way I passed. And Wayne Roonie steps up to the penalty spot, oh my god, he’s flown Delta! The ball goes high into the crowd!

Andy [laughs]: Of course…

John: All joking apart: f**k you, Delta! F*****k you!

Andy: Well, delta, of course, you know… when… in our university days, John, I don’t know how your essays were marked at Cambridge but at Oxford, which is a university that really does rather wish it was still two thousand years ago…

John [chuckles]

Andy: …used to mark it in Greek letters so alpha was your sort of best grade.

John: oh yeah.

Andy: And if you did get a delta, if you did fly Delta, you would literally be thrown out.

John [bursts out laughing and pounds his leg]: That’s fantastic!

Andy: So it’s good to name yourself after a completely unacceptable grade.